PopRelics

Coke. Red Around The World, originally uploaded by The Searcher.

Subject: Coke Beijing Ad Campaign
From: Frank Christopoulos Sr Marketing, Coke China div
Date: Mon, 14 May 2008, 18:27:43
To: Mark Hall, ARG Media Services

We received the poster art for our new China market slogan, "Red Around the World". We have some serious concerns about it. There appears to be a communication problem between our offices. This isn't uncommon with international connections, so we don't fault you. Basically, our biggest issue is, well there's a subtlety issue. It isn't a very subtle graphic. In fact it seems a little satirical, almost subversive. If you weren't the same maverick ad firm that rehabilitated Exxon and propped up Halliburton, I would say you were fucking with us. But you are, so I'm not.

While it is true that our "Red Around The World" campaign is only being used within China, we still do not want to catch heat for preying on the nationalistic fervor of the Chinese government or its people. Publicly we want to assert that "red" can mean all sorts of things, like "good" and "happy". Privately, we know the inferences that can be made, and thought we made it clear in our conference calls, we wished those inferences to be present, but inferred. Unfortunately, what you delivered to us, is way too much. Too over the top. We believe we stressed subtlety, and restraint.

In closing, if you could please add the Coke trademark "swoosh" on Mao's sleeve. Then it should be cool.

Thanks,
-Frank

cc: Xiăo Zhāng, People's Information Minister

[PS: Google it. I ain't making this shit up. Red Around the Fucking World.]

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 11:50 PM

Solo Tales of Professor Swift, originally uploaded by The Searcher.

Prof. Hardy Swift, playboy scientist and archaeologist race car driver, finds himself stranded alone and stranded, alone on an alien world with nothing but his unmatched wits and gin-fueled charm to survive. The startling secret of Danger Planet will test Swift's will and stretch his talents beyond even his expansive expectations.

Who is the alluring Demon Princess, and what secrets will she try to suck out of Swift? How will Swift escape to thwart the Crab Army before their invasion of Earth? What is the shocking mystery of the Volcano Sea, and why is it screaming inside the Professor's magnificent mind? Professor Swift is on his own, laughing at evil and dancing with the devil women, and he never forgets to play it smooth!

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 11:28 AM

The Thing About Sharks And Cats, originally uploaded by The Searcher.

It was a few weeks after the sharks, and the flying. The panic was sinking in, the unreality, punditry, end of the world.. itry. After the initial safety broadcasts, safety broadcast ignorings, and such, there were the inevitable rash of dog eatings. But soon after, it was noticed that among the dog remains, there was something missing.

Cat remains.

Cats weren't being eaten, at least by sharks. Inexplicably, and of only mild slightly more than disinterest to cats, the sharks, for lack of a better word, liked them. But in the opposite of the desire to eat, sense. There was much discussion among the edible folk as to why. Much interest in studying cats, capturing and dissecting them, to learn why, was had. Except.

They had to first get past the sharks.

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 11:41 AM

Hillary: Truth and Consequences, originally uploaded by The Searcher.

In what was widely expected to be her concession speech, Hillary Clinton instead stunned supporters and viewers by declaring victory, in spite of her narrow loss to Barack Obama. Inexplicably, Clinton went further and claimed to have finally won enough delegates to make her the presumptive Democratic Nominee. This despite currently trailing Obama by over one hundred delegates, as well as the popular vote.

She then revealed that she just got off the phone with Barack Obama, and he offered his congratulations and then confided in her that he was dropping out of the race. This revelation appears to run counter to Obama's just-delivered victory speech not thirty minutes ago.

Wrapping up her speech, she went on to claim responsibility for all of Martin Luther King's speeches, a cure for cancer, and the good parts of gravity.

The Clinton campaign has so far not responded to repeated requests for clarification.

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 6:54 PM

It's a girl. With a tarantula on her face., originally uploaded by The Searcher.

Sometimes it's oddly stressful, getting artwork lined up for the weekend. I try to do a drawing a week, and it's usually a Friday and Saturday night, random actual hours, since there's random social mixed in at the pub where I draw. But work is a long week of creative-energy-requiring, um, energy. So it's not always easy to brainstorm and plan and execute a new drawing. More often than I'd like, I'm scrambling on a Friday afternoon for inspiration. So this weekend, it was tarantula, and girl. Dunno why. I figured there'd be a good story in the idea of a girl with a tarantula tattoo on her face. Hell there probably is. But I kind of lost interest about 3/4 of the way in. Turns out, I don't really care what her story is. So it goes.

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 6:54 PM

shunnr: Video Killed The Flickr Star, originally uploaded by The Searcher.

Well not really. But judging by the sturm and drang over Flickr adding video, you'd think there was a sudden outbreak of world peace or something.

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 6:53 PM

Obama & Clinton: No, I'M with the Vice President, originally uploaded by The Searcher.

Voter: So here's one I don't get. Hillary is all for Michigan and Florida votes being counted, righ?

Hillary Aide: Right. She feels very strongly that voters shouldn't be disenfranchised.

Voter: Okay. So what's up with North Dakota? Wasn't she just there last weekend, trying to get the state delegates, delegates pledged to Obama, to switch their votes to her? I mean, North Dakota went huge for Obama. So when she's trying to get the results essentially reversed, isn't she very literally disenfranchising voters?

Hillary Aide: Well, to be fair, according to the rules, there's no such thing as a "pledged" delegate. And more importantly, Those were Obama voters. Hillary feels that anyone who voted for Obama, has already disenfranchised themselves from the process. Just like anyone who voted for Edwards, or Kucinich, or any of the other candidates. Those are lost votes, totally wasted. So in North Dakota, she's trying to save the voters from the terrible mistake they made. She really wants them to be a part of this important process.

Voter: uh. What process is that?

Hillary Aide: The Elect Hillary Process.

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 10:32 PM

Mari Loves Shellfish, originally uploaded by The Searcher.

So. How'd you two meet?

Oh, you know. The internet.

Really? huh., figures. So.. I have to ask. Isn't it a little weird that she shows her, uh, you know?

What? her mouth?

No, I mean her-

Yeah. That's her mouth. See the teeth? Dude, c'mon. This is a company picnic. Besides, she's really shy. Whenever she gets nervous, she squirts ink everywhere. Seriously. When we were first getting to know each other, I had to have plastic sheets covering all my stuff.

Wow. I'm sorry man, I didn't know. So if that's her mouth, then where's her..

Dude. That's kind of personal. How about you get your mind out of the gutter, while I go get Phil from accounting away from her? She's about to spray ink all over the fruit tray.

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 10:31 PM

Hillary: About Face, originally uploaded by The Searcher.

Advisor: Hey, you. Have you seen our girl?

Aide: Oh, hello ma'am. Yes, yeah she's in the conference room, going over her race speech.
Advisor: Thanks, I'll go- wait, what? Her "race speech"?
Aide: Um. Yeah. You know, her speech to answer all the critics and speculation about her position and views on race in our country and how it affects her personally.
Advisor: But.. why would she do that?
Aide: Uh. Because Obama did?
Advisor: She's giving a speech on race because Obama gave a speech on race? I ask again. Why?
Aide: Well. Because that's how it works. Obama creates a message of Hope, and Hillary takes it and makes it hers. Obama talks about the need for change, and Hillary makes it a campaign slogan. Obama says "Yes We Can!" and Hillary improves on it with "Yes We Will!" So if Obama makes race a focus, Hillary will find a way to get out in front of that, too.

Advisor: So, stupid question. Does she realize he's black?
Aide: Oh, well sure. Why do you think she's been in makeup for so long today?

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 11:16 AM

When Sharks Fly, originally uploaded by The Searcher.

Jakeem remembered what it was like before the sharks. He could play in the park, and go swimming. Now the only sky he saw, was through steel reinforced wire and glass. He asked his Dad why it happened, but doesn't think he really knows. His Dad said it just happened, somehow. We did something wrong, broke the oceans somehow, and sharks just started flying. All of them.

Jakeem asked his Dad how do they fix it, but doesn't think he knows that, either. His Dad told him they just have to figure it out, or learn how to live with them until it can get figured out. It might take a long time. It also, his Dad's voice going kind of soft, might never happen.

Jakeem looked up at them, through the wire. And hoped it got fixed someday.

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 12:19 PM

McCain. involuntary lean to the right., originally uploaded by The Searcher.

1993. Arizona State University. 11:20pm.

God I hate Bush. Barely a year into his Presidency, and he decided to invade Iraq under questionable circumstances. Guys I knew were leaving for combat. The university was torn apart over the war; anger, yelling, futile protests. I was walking across campus one night after work. Weird timing, John McCain was coming out of a rally for Bush. I don't remember if it was for Bush's re-election or McCain's. But here was McCain, carrying his three or four year old son on one arm, holding his seven maybe year old daughter's hand. No entourage, no security, just the guy and his kids.

We end up walking the entire length of the campus, Mill Ave to Rural. I mean, I hate everything this guy stands for, and the people he rallies for. But we talk the whole time. He asked how I was paying for college. When I told him the two jobs and loans got it mostly done, he asked how I had time for school. I agreed with the catch22, but it was what I had. He got really thoughtful for a while. We talked some more. Then he said the most amazing thing to me. Without breaking stride, he looked right at me and said, "My son just peed on my arm."

I've liked him ever since.

And here we are. 15 years later, with a Bush and an Iraq and a McCain running for office. And having to sacrifice the cool parts I liked about him, to do it.

Nothing changes. Except possibly his son's bladder control.

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 2:08 PM

Obama: Stuffed With Hope, originally uploaded by The Searcher.

Looking at his Mother's drawings, the boy asked her how she knows Grandma can make that. "She's been making stained glass for years," Mom replied. "Yeah but, these are crazy," the son said. "You're drawing like, four or five birds on each panel, and each bird has a hundred glass pieces for the feathers. How do you know she can make this?"

"I have faith," she told him. "But she's never done anything like this before," he said. "True, Grandma has no experience with something this complex," she replied. "But I know her, I know what she's accomplished before, so I believe she can do it."

"That doesn't sound like faith," the son said. "That sounds like, um. Like knowing." "Well yes, it kind of is," she said. "But you can't really know what's going to happen in the future. So you have to believe in it. It's like.. feeling with your brain. You know what someone is capable of, judge their character and skills, and then you just. Hope they can do it. But it's not blind faith. You base it on everything you know about the person."

"Hmm, ok I think I get it," the son said. "So do you think that Obama can win and be a good President?"

"Oh, honey," Mom replied. It's 1982. "That won't happen for a long time yet."

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 1:05 PM

HillBillery, originally uploaded by The Searcher.

Aide: President Clinton. President Clinton is, uh, causing some problems.

Hillary: He's not President, I am!

Aide: Yes, of course Mrs. President. It's just, Presidents are always referred to as "President", for the rest of their lives. The fact that you're President Clinton, and he's President Clinton, is, um, well sort of unprecedented. I mean except for President Bush and President Bush. But they weren't here at the same time. So this is different (slightly).

Hillary: [Sigh]. Fine. What's he doing?

Aide: He's dancing. in his office.

Hillary: Oh god, he's not naked is he?

Aide: No, no (what?). he's clothed. But he's dancing, and on the furniture. He was going over his staffing needs, and just. Started dancing.

Hillary: That's.. strange. He knows he can only hire men, right?

Aide: Oh, so. You haven't been briefed. Um. There was a question about the legality of limiting white house staffing to men only. A legal challenge was filed, and a federal judge mandated equal gender hiring. In fact he chastised you pretty harshly in his ruling; how the first woman president, in her first executive decision would ban women from working in the white house.

Hillary: ugh. Damn it. That judge just doesn't understand, what we have to do to keep him.. wait. Who filed the legal challenge?

Aide: Um, well. He did. President Clinton. I mean, Mr President, you know, the other-

Hillary: Yes, ok I get it. Damn it. (It is going to be a long term). All right, inform secret service to execute Operation Neuter Humping Dog. They'll know what to do. And get me some aspirin.

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 11:55 AM

fragile, originally uploaded by The Searcher.

Isaac's cost cutting measures backfire as, tragically, it was SafeT-Glass(tm) in name only.

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 11:55 AM

Huckabee. Playing Catch Up., originally uploaded by The Searcher.

So what's this guy's story?

Uh let's see.. Huckabee. Mike Huckabee. Governor of Arkansas, lost a ton of weight recently, probably surgical. Running for the Republican nomination on a far right faith train. He had some luck pulling in the evangelical base, hell most of the true blue religious right likes what he has to say.

Which is what?

The usual. Abortion is bad, gays are bad, illegal hispanics are bad, science is bad. Oh wait, he also wants to repeal the IRS, so that's new.

What do you mean, "science is bad"?

Well, he doesn't believe in evolution. Like, at all. Which means he doesn't believe, or understand, much of anything involving biology or geology or well, basically science in general.

Wow.

Exactly. And aside from that, he's pretty much one note. Everyone who meets him likes him, apparently a very likable guy. But he doesn't seem to have an idea that didn't come from sunday school. Throw in a couple of delinquent grown sons with multiple arrests and-

Oh wait, that dog thing!

Yeah. His son was caught hanging a stray dog while he was at a boy scout camp. Huckabee waved his Governor's magic wand and made it go away.

That's very uplifting, gets me right here. Ok, I'm getting hungry. So what does all that mean for him? Where do we put him in the race? I need a starting point for the odds.

Meh. he's probably out already. But put 100 to 1 on him. If someone wants to throw their money away, I'm happy to take it.

Ok, 100 to 1 it is.

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 7:22 PM

9iu11iani, originally uploaded by The Searcher.

The satirist tried again. He wrote a short piece, using reporters to ask questions about the pressing issues of the day. No matter the topic, Rudy would always respond with his experience with 9/11. At first he would start to answer the question, before slowly rotating his response to how he stood tall during 9/11. But eventually, he would drop all pretense. A reporter would ask Rudy to discuss his health care plan, and his response would simply be, "Well I think I would 9/11." Another question on the economy would return only, "Definitely 9/11. Absolutely." When quizzed about tax reform, just "9/11. 9/11. 9/11"

The satirist satisfied, finished his short story in this manner, and then retired to an early supper. While reading the newspaper, he stopped, devastated. On page 3 was an exchange between reporters and Rudy, nearly verbatim as the one he had just written. No matter the topic, no matter the question, Rudy unerringly pointed his answer to 9/11 and his brief moment of outstanding leadership. Every question.

The satirist gave up. After countless attempts, there was nowhere left for him to go. He couldn't use irony, had no place for biting sarcasm, if the real world continued to exceed his cynicism. He quietly folded his paper, and finished his supper. He then laid down on the floor, curled into a ball. If satire was dead, he realized, then so was he.

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 10:18 PM

RHAGHHHmney. Don't Touch The Hair., originally uploaded by The Searcher.

He didn't get it. Panic rose in his voice. He would have thrown all the papers from his desk, but he wasn't much of a reader. His campaign adviser fidgeted in her seat. He shouted at her, demanded to know what was happening. She tried to explain. The polls were revealing a deeper need for integrity and substance. He didn't get it. He did everything they told him to. She tried to explain. On the surface, voters want a candidate that shares their views. But as time goes on, as voters start to take a look at a person, they need to know that person has integrity. Changing positions is a sign of non-integrity, according to the polls.

He didn't get it. He was a handsome man, good public speaker, great hair. He was willing to reverse every position he ever held, if asked. He could be whatever they wanted. She tried to explain. That was the problem.

He didn't get it. She sighed.

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 12:20 AM

Barack. Breaking Out, originally uploaded by The Searcher.

I'm not a very political person, and I usually just keep my opinions to myself [ahem]. but I'm going to break my normal rule of softspoken quiet, and just say "wow". This guy. This Barack Obama guy.

Good job in Iowa. Keep doing that, just like you're doing, and I think you might just have something there.

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 11:02 AM

2007. Happy he's not 2008., originally uploaded by The Searcher.

He was happy, somehow. The beating he had taken, how could he be happy? When asked, he laughed, then coughed up some blood, thick and dark. "It could be worse," he spat. "How possibly," I demanded. I reminded him of the continuing conflict in Iraq, the deterioration of Afghanistan. Iran, North Korea. China's utter lack of product safety standards, especially when it comes to children's toys. The implosion of Pakistan. Record wildfires in the U.S., continuing over a decade of wildfire records. Record ice melt globally.

He still smiled. Possibly too punch drunk to understand, it didn't seem to phase him. I pressed on.

Kurt Vonnegut. Merv Griffin. Boris Yeltsin. Richard Jeni. Robert Goulet. Evel Knievel. Don Ho. Barbaro. Mr. Wizard. Mr. Fucking. Wizard. 899 American troops. 150,000+ Iraqi civilians.

"You forgot Jerry Falwell," he said. "And Anna Nicole Smith." I shot back, "Is that why you're smiling? Do you think they somehow balance against the wall of brutality heaped upon you in the last 365 days?" He shook more violently now, clinging to these last minutes. "No," he rasped. "That's not why I'm smiling."

"Then why," I pleaded. "How can you have suffered so many blows, so much injury, and not crumble?"

"Easy." He coughed, then leaned in close. "I ducked the O.J. trial. That's on the next poor bastard."

He laughed hard at that, gurgled up blood, bile. And then he expired, passing the days and their burdens on to the next year. He's right, I thought. The poor fucking bastard.

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 10:28 AM

Sympathy Misplaced, originally uploaded by The Searcher.

"Wow, she's cute. Did you draw that?" she asked. "Yes," I said, marveling at how many people can see a person sitting in a bar with a pencil and sketchbook and sketching and still not put it all together. I could hear the bartender's eyes rolling. He slipped me a shot unasked, I guess he felt my pain. Ugh, I hate Jäger.

"Can you draw me?" she asked. "Not really," I replied. "I usually try to draw something interesting to me." Blank stare, went right over her bleached head. "So why her then," she asked.

"Well, she's sixteen years old, and was arrested for doing wrestling moves on her seven year old sister. She broke her arm, cracked her ribs, damaged her spine and eventually crushed her windpipe. When her sister wouldn't wake up, she put her in the bathtub, yelled at her, and then cracked a raw egg into her mouth to see if she was "messing with her". No longer breathing, the egg just slid down her sister's throat. After about thirty minutes of this, she finally called 911. But her little sister was already dead. I thought the dichotomy between the brutality of the act and the cuteness of the girl was interesting enough to explore."

Blank stare. Probably shouldn't have used "dichotomy". She gathered her rounds of touchdowns and didn't talk to me anymore after that. I downed the Jäger.

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 10:27 AM

Inevitability. Waning, originally uploaded by The Searcher.

Aide: He's gaining. Some polls have him at a ten point lead in Iowa. That's a 25 point erosion in just the last month, and now clears the margin of error.
Hillary: I don't understand. We were running solidly for the last six months. What changed?
Aide: um. Nothing. Apparently that's the issue. Focus groups had us keeping you aloof and general. The more you stayed a symbolic blank slate, the more they liked you.
Hillary: So what's the problem?
Aide Well, it seems that at some point, people are looking for genuine. They want honesty, intelligence, and straightforward answers and discussion. It looks like Obama's been riding a positive wave with this strategy.
Hillary: But what about the focus groups? We tested honest and straightforward, and it tested horribly.
Aide: Uh, yes and no. We tested YOU attempting honest and straightforward. But the focus groups never bought it. Apparently genuine is more than a conversational style. And quite frankly, you made them very uncomfortable.
Hillary: So you're saying I can't stay vague symbolic, and I can't pull off honesty well enough to compete with actual honesty. So where does that leave me?
Aide: Um. well. How do feel about running for President of the Senate?
Hillary: .....

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 11:39 AM

The Deaths Were Unexpected, originally uploaded by The Searcher.

They hadn't had a party in such a long time. So when the Deaths arrived, it was a singular embarrassment. Edna was mortified. Who invited them, she hissed. She yanked Harvey from his cigars and into the living room. Look at them, she exclaimed. How did they get in here? Harvey looked over at Mr and Mrs Death, swore he did not let them in. Edna shook her finger under his nose, and with sharp voice insisted he must have. They're always invited, she chided. They have to be. He shook his head again no. Well if you didn't invite them, who-. Edna froze. Harvey always was a little dim, but when he saw the fear in her eyes, he knew it too.

When they reached Alice's room, they could already hear voices. The Deaths were there, sitting on the bed, talking to her. Harvey puffed his chest, pulled on his belt and demanded they leave. It's ok, Daddy, Alice whispered. Mrs. Death was holding her hand, just below the IV. Alice honey, Edna pleaded. They aren't supposed to be here. You aren't supposed to talk to them. Alice tried to say something, but she had to catch her breath. After a while, she spoke. I want to talk to them, she whispered. Edna felt Harvey's hand clasp hers. They're supposed to be here now, Alice said. I invited them.

Edna and Harvey each kissed Alice. Mrs. Death told Edna she thought it was a wonderful party. Harvey closed the door behind them. They stood silently in the hall, until the conversation was too quiet to hear, and wept.

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 12:12 PM

Hear No Evil: Only Happy Sounds, originally uploaded by The Searcher.

Chief: You can't tell him that. It's bad news. He doesn't respond well to bad news.

Aide: But.. but it's the truth. He has to have truthful intel, even if negative, to make sound decisions and-

Chief: Heh. Um, ok let me stop you right there. You know in the movies, when the crime lord or head of a league of assassins is given bad news by some henchman? And they say something like "this news displeases me"? And then they shoot the messenger in the head, or pluck his eye out, or knife him in the gut? Well, it works the same way here.

Aide: He..he'll have me killed?

Chief: No. no, of course not. It hardly ever.. no. No I mean, he'll kill your career. Previous White House aides who spoke to him "in the negative", were immediately reassigned, usually to an entirely different continent. And not one of the good ones. His world view is very precious to him. You have no idea how hard we work to protect it.

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 10:59 AM

Speak No Evil: a short constitutional, originally uploaded by The Searcher.

It was a small ceremony. Just George, Dick, Condi, Karl, and a few others. They gathered around the document, and each said a few words. Then they let George bring out his condiment; a favorite bbq sauce from a ranch near his in Texas. He'd been putting that sauce on everything. He joked it was a shame they couldn't use this as an endorsement. Those gathered laughed, without hint of nervousness or doubt. This was a liberating evening for all.

After a toast, the President began. At first he tried silverware, but the parchment crumbled too much under the knife. After some trial and error, the method settled upon was to tear off long strips, and roll them up with bbq sauce like enchiladas. For the remainder of the document, he ate in this way. Once there was nothing left save for a paste of dust and sauce, they toasted again, clapped, and called it a night.

Next week was Dick's turn, with the other document. He was leaning towards bringing a simple vinaigrette. But that bbq sauce was growing on him

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 9:00 PM

replacement parts., originally uploaded by The Searcher.

Even the mechanical heart, breaks. from time to time.

but it has an extended warranty. parts and labor.

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 3:29 PM

Bush. Magical Realist, originally uploaded by The Searcher.

[leaked White House internal memo]

[September 21, 2005]
PLEASE READ: Important Message From Chief Of Staff's Office
SUBJ: POTUS "God Goggles"

POTUS did it again. This time in front of the White House Press Pool, just prior to Thursday's press conference. Fortunately press pool ignored it, as usual. But if POTUS did it IN CAMERA we'd be in a world of hurt. The need is URGENT to retrain POTUS against the goggles. he can talk about talking to God, but he has to stop demonstrating how he does it.

Strategy session at 9:00 am for team effort moving forward.

Andrew Card
White House Chief of Staff

[CC: Karl, Dick, Condi, Scott, Donald, Alberto, Laura, Barney]

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 9:58 PM

A Modest Proposal., originally uploaded by The Searcher.

General Spike Alvarez unveiled the new plan at a morning press conference. From his statement:

"Recent events illustrate that Americans are scared. Scared of anyone who appears to be of Arab descent. Average Americans have demonstrated that they simply can not separate how someone appears, from how they are expected to act. If they see an Arab American, they see a terrorist, Plain and simple. This in itself, is a form of terrorism. These individuals may not intend to cause terror, but they do just the same, simply by walking around in public. So to keep the peace, we've decided to round them up, and house them in these temporary facilities. They are not imprisoned. Let me make this very clear; this is not a prison. The tenants are free to go wherever they please. Within the confines of the compounds.

We're calling it Operation: Peace of Mind. These new gated communities are located in a variety of secure locations across the country. Unlike the inelegant system in place during the 1940's, these facilities are state-of-the-art, resort-like communities. They are not "camps". We're talking swimming pools, gymnasiums, golf courses are going in. Really swank.

Operationally, there are approximately two and half million Arab-Americans living in the U.S. But we've planned housing for four million, taking into account the inclusion of at least one million Indian and Pakistani Americans. Our focus groups indicated strong confusion whether or not these people were also Arab, so we decided to err on the side of caution.

Operation: Peace of Mind will continue for as long as Americans feel fear around people who appear Arab. We have a congressional review of the policy every 18 months. So some time in the future, it's possible that Americans won't be so fearful of Arab-appearing citizens, that they get them thrown off commercial aircraft for speaking Arabic. Maybe someday they won't be so automatically suspicious of Arab men that they launch national manhunts for taking pictures on a ferry.

However. Until that time, it is our goal, and responsibility, not only to keep Americans safe. But to keep Americans feeling safe.

Ok, I'll take questions now."

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 2:16 AM

caretaker, originally uploaded by The Searcher.

This was the eighth can. The mister would be asleep soon. Every night, it was the same, nearly. The mister would arrive, curse at his day left behind him, and retreat to the bathroom for a time of noise and stink. He would emerge with a grunt, and fall into his chair. Perseus would have his first beer waiting for him, then when ordered, put the mister's food into the humming box and make it hot for him. He despised the humming box; it always stung him when he pulled out the food. But it was what he was trained to do.

The mister would grunt and yell at the box of light for the rest of his time at night. Every so often he'd command for another beer. Sometimes he would throw the empty at Perseus, and make him cry out. But mostly the mister was kind enough. Perseus was fed well and sometimes got a scratch behind the neck or under his chin.

His curses would quiet to a mumble, and the mister would soon pass out. He would often sleep with the lit stick in his hand, dangerously burning down to his fingers. Perseus knew to take away the beer then, and take the lit stick and put it down the sink. It was one of the first things he was trained to do. He was not supposed to eat the mister's food, or drink his drink. But sometimes, once the mister was out, he would breath in the rest of the lit stick.

It was a moment to himself, after he silenced the box of light and pulled the blanket over the mister.

Perseus would sit in the darkness, draw from the lit stick deeply, and think of his family.

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 12:41 PM

THE. george & dragon, originally uploaded by The Searcher.

The is the "bar" in "bar-art". The place I've drawn virtually every artwork displayed here in the last two years.This is my art studio.

So you can imagine my glee when I was contracted to draw the George for.

wait for it.

a beer coaster.

It's like, fill circle. Full circled circled. and then circled again. Since I drew it. AT the george. It is. in every way. Bar Art.

yes. I spilled beer on it.

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 1:28 PM

emma., originally uploaded by The Searcher.

You're spelling a letter? You can't spell a letter. It's a letter!

The boy was clearly upset. The girl told him that she could, it was allowed. But the boy was very confused. In all the time he'd spent playing Scrabble(tm), he had never once seen such a thing. Spelling a letter. But the girl promised him it was allowed, that spellings of letters were in the Official Scrabble(tm) Dictionary. Of course she may as well have said they were transcribed on the Official Lunar Scrabble(tm) Plaque, for how likely they were to peruse either things. The quiet, drafty pub was enjoyable to sit in and play a game. But it was worlds away from conducting a Scrabble(tm) Challenge(tm).

The boy sat, stunned. He could not see why the girl would tactic in this way. He really liked her, and he thought she liked him. But she was clearly winning already. One hundred points or more. The boy didn't understand why she would resort to this, with that score. Then she explained. She did not want to beat him, she only wanted to finish the game. So they could go home.

The boy met her gaze when she spoke the last, then followed her eyes down to the board. Her last turns were EMBRACE, CARESS, SENSUAL, and KISSED.

At last, the boy understood. he had been looking at all the wrong words.

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 4:23 PM

Transformer. Decepticon. Dick, originally uploaded by The Searcher.

2011. Washington - Dick Cheney was found dead in his Vermont vacation home, victim of an apparent gunshot wound to the head. Circumstances surrounding his death have not been publicly released, but privately several government sources, under condition of anonymity, have revealed that it appears to have been a suicide.

Dick Cheney, Vice President for most of President George W. Bush's two Presidential terms, was impeached by the U.S. Congress in Spring of 2008. He is the first Vice President in U.S. history to be subject to impeachment. It was a near-unanimous vote in both the House and the Senate. Only Joe Lieberman, (D/R/I Connecticut), abstained.

Cheney soon after suffered a series of devestating personal and legal setbacks as a result of his arrogant adherence to secrecy and self interests.

78-year-old Harry Whittington, whom Cheney shot in the face early in 2006, revealed in a 2009 memoir that his life, and the lives of his wife and children, was directly threatened by Cheney in his hospital room, if he didn't help Cheney spin the shooting positively. Whittington soon after publicly apologize to Cheney for the grief the shooting had caused him. Cheney was indicted on attempted murder charges as a result of Whittington's memoir.

Months after the new Democratic Presidency began, Halliburton came under multiple Congressional Committee scrutiny, culminating in an unprecedented flurry of hearings, the entirety if its assets frozen, board disbanded, and ultimately bankruptcy and insolvency. With virtually all of Cheney's personal wealth stemming from Halliburton stock and deferred salary from his time as CEO, these events essentially bankrupted the former Vice President.

Congressional Oversight discovered Cheney was responsible for running and then covering up several covert military operations, none sanctioned by the President or Congress. However ahead of any actions by Congress, the Hague was months away from convening War Crimes Trials for Cheney's roles in the Iraq War, Afghanistan Military Conflict, and a large number of secret prisons and torture centers globally. The star witness, former President George W. Bush, was expected to appear with damning testimony revealing years of misdeeds. President Bush had received limited immunity in exchange for his testimony. This immunity would not affect his current incarceration for the 165 consecutive life sentences he must serve for his high crimes.

Due to the national disgrace over Dick Cheney's shameful actions, there will be no public funeral. In lieu of sending hate-mail or bags of dog-feces, the family prefers that donations in be made to the Veteran's Administration and the Red Cross.

End fantasy simulation.

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 10:31 PM

Sunshine Sallie, originally uploaded by The Searcher.

2037. Seattle.

It was already 10am, but Sallie had to risk it. Food was low, water gone. Two hours past safe-curfew, the mercury had already hit 245 and was only going to climb. Sallie knew, if she didn't find what she needed by Noon, she was done.

But her crew was in dire need. Sam Shade had been caught in the big freeway melt, and couldn't walk now. Mary Mirage was the only one with medic training, so she couldn't go. Harry Heat and Solar Solidad just lost their kid, Sunny. Their heads wouldn't be in it. The others were even worse off.

Sallie was all they had. If she could make it to the Lake Washington Canyon, she could drop into the caves before Noon Death, have a chance of waiting out the worst of it. If she could hold out till Midnight, she could reach the wells and make the climb back out in the cool 156 degree night air.

At least it was still Winter, Sallie thought.

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 6:36 PM

look at those. cantaloupes, originally uploaded by The Searcher.

The weekend was overrun with Solstice Festival stuff. I live in the Fremont neighborhood of Seattle, possibly the last stand for hippies and women who don't think shaving anything is a plus. Saturday was the big parade, tons of nakedness and expressive freedom. Basically Burning Man without the drive, fire or sunburn (Seattle. duh).

So people were drinking since 10am. By the time I went out to the pub to sketch, the entire neighborhood was one long stream of drunk, naked, painted, puking people. Trying to sketch was more of an adventure than normal. I had two beers and something called an "oatmeal cookie" spilled on my book by 11pm. The same people who told me how much they loved the sketch, would bump into me mercilessly right after. It was humid, tight, and smelled like feet.

But out the other end of all that. Was this. Victory. Damp, stained, stinky victory.

oh, the title came from some guy who stumbled into me and looking at the sketch said "Whoa. Look at those Cantaloupes." Then he fell down and stayed down. A knock out.

so the title stuck.

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 6:43 PM

Jesus! vs Darwin!, originally uploaded by The Searcher.

Jesus Christ
Positives: Impressive stamina. Historically know for taking a beating, staying on his feet. Has history of miraculous resurrection.
Negatives: Invented Pacifism. Dangerous habit of turning the other cheek.

Charles Darwin
Positives: Invented Natural Selection. Understands what's at stake with "Survival of the Fittest".
Negatives: Theology student, nearly became an Anglican parson. Mixed feelings punching his Lord's Only Son and Savior in the face.

Inspired by the Creation Museum that opened deep in the craw of Kentucky this month. Proudly displays dinosaurs mingling with Adam and Eve, less than 6000 years ago. Noah had some on the ark, but apparently they sinned once they got here.

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 10:40 AM

Gentlemen Explorers! of the Unknown!, originally uploaded by The Searcher.

Prof. Hardy Swift, playboy scientist and archeologist adventurer, returns to face his toughest challenge yet. Entire city blocks are vanishing, from cities around the world! Meanwhile, Swift's satellites pick up startling news! A death ray from deep space is on a collision course with Earth! Mind-bendingly fired at us over a million years ago! The Prof and his team, geologist space-pilot Race "Whiz" Charger, and physicist stunt-driver Pete "Dash" Peterson, assemble once again to play it smooth, tackle evil and wrestle victory from the clutches of the impossible!

What is the shocking truth of the million year death ray? Who is the mysterious woman in the forgotten submarine beneath the arctic? What is her connection to Swift, and the vanishing cities? Join Dash, Whiz and Prof Swift and find out!

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 11:31 AM

selective memory. day., originally uploaded by The Searcher.

Father was so paranoid, Nadia thought. Cousin Samir was to be married, yet Father would not let the whole family celebrate together. He told us it was a trick he learned from the American Government. They never have the whole government meet at the same place or at the same time. So this was safe, he said. Two celebrations, two different neighborhoods. The family would carry on, if something were to happen.

If something were to happen. Father said that so many times, Nadia didn't even flinch anymore, when he'd say it. With the near-constant gunfire and distant explosions, it was difficult for her to flinch at anything. She just wanted to have a happy day, eat some good food, and laugh with her family. Some of her family, at least.

Her sisters, Ulla and Mina, were setting the picnic tables in the yard. Sahib and Nizam, two first cousins, were kicking a football around, avoiding the chores. Mother chided them, and then turned her wrath to Nadia, who forgot to take the bread from the oven. Nadia went back into the house, but heard a strange whistling sound and turned around to look. Her Father's face went to stone, as he looked up towards the North.

When she awoke, everything was gone. Nadia could not hear, or move her arm. She could only sit up, and see the nothing, the crater, the blood and bits and pieces, that once made up her family. Some of her family.


There is no organized effort to name all victims of the war (there's no upside to collect such a thing, apparently.) The last significant effort to estimate non-combatant deaths, by the Johns Hopkins University's Bloomberg School of Public Health, put the Iraqi war death toll at 650,000. That was in 2006. At that rate (500 deaths per day) it could actually be nearing 800,000. In spite of being impugned by the U.S. Administration as "wildly inaccurate" and using "bad math", the report has since held up to academic scrutiny.

So for every American death in Iraq, 200-250 innocent Iraqis also die. if only there were some way, some sort of Memorial Day, that could be used to remember them, too.

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 4:41 PM

Faith Based. Lack of Initiative., originally uploaded by The Searcher.

Mommy? Why do you and Mommy have two different last names?
Well, sweety, Right now, we aren't allowed to get married.
Why not?
Well, half of the people in government think who we are is wrong, or unnatural, or against their religion.
What about the other half?
The other half says there's nothing wrong with us, that we're free to do and believe and love anyone we want.
Oh. are those the Demmercrats? like John Edwards?
The Democrats, honey. Yes, like John Edwards.
So, he likes you, and doesn't think you're doing anything wrong. That makes him on your side, right?
Well, no, sweety, not quite. While he says he supports us, he also says he believes that marriage is only supposed to be between a man and a woman.
What? How? How can he say you're equals, you're just like everyone else, and then say you aren't? Isn't that like lying?
Well, no, honey, not exactly. And it isn't just him. Most Democrats feel the same way. So it isn't fair to single him out. They just have, um. Well, they have complicated jobs. Sometimes it means they have to say one thing to one group of people, and another thing to another group of people.

buh. That's retarded!
Hey! What did we say about using terms like.. oh nevermind. Go find Mommy and tell her dinner's almost ready.
'kay Mommy. MOMMY! Dinner's READY!

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 4:41 PM

bat. man. detail, originally uploaded by The Searcher.

F#$% You, Wolverine guy. Yeah I'm talking to you. Batman would take your healing factor and your adamantium-laced skeleton (that's "unbreakable" for you lucky non-geeks) and your "snikt!" emo-badass 'tude, and you know what he'd do?

he'd drop you in a vat of quick-drying cement up to your neck, then sink you a mile or two under the ocean. A year or two of getting your face eaten off by sharks and brine shrimp, dying and coming back over and over and over again, we'll see if you still call him "Bub".

hokay. Obviously I need to start dating again.

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 4:50 PM

A night at The George, originally uploaded by The Searcher.

Amberlee, the one in the middle, force of nature that one. Once when I was over talking with her and some friends, I casually noticed some guy and his girl picking up my sketchbook and leafing through it. I think I said something like "that's irritating". Amberlee yelled at them from across the bar, told them to put it the fuck down, then leaped out of her seat, stormed over and ripped it out of their hands.

Little awkward that I had to go sit back down next to them. But still. a joy to watch.

Jen, on the end, had just spotted her ex boyfriend in the bar. "The Australian" she called him. Also "Tiny Penis". Most times, the significant other, when no longer significant, knows that the George belongs to first dibs. So showing up like that, he was looking for drama.

Enter Amberlee. Drama would leave a bruise.

Mike, on the other end. He was just sort of. always there. Every conversation, every picture. Kinda weird. But that's the George on a Saturday night.

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 11:29 AM

b. sides, originally uploaded by The Searcher.

It's kind of like 3-D. You gotta kind of squint your eyes and let both sides blend together. Or blink one eye at a time back and forth really fast.

yah. it's a poor substitute.

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 11:29 AM

power.less, originally uploaded by The Searcher.

Ego. Hal Jordan was walking ego. His excuse was that he had to be. The Green Lantern was powered by will. No will, no power.

For some reason, that day, Batman wasn't having it. He called Hal out, and told him he shouldn't underestimate the abilities of his team-mates. Hal laughed. C'mon Bruce, you know how this works. Whatever I can think of, whatever I put my will to, the ring can make happen. I can move a planet if I want to. I can do anything.

Hal, Batman said, as he rose from his chair. In some ways, you're the weakest member in the League.

Green Lantern was stunned. Wha? Why would you say that?

Because it's true, Bruce said. I know something virtually every other member of the League can do, but you can't. Me. Aquaman. Elongated Man. Even Tigra. But. not. you.

Try me, Hal said. The room was silent. A dozen heroes sat in their chairs motionless, unwilling to even breathe. They waited for Batman to speak, to somehow prove Hal wrong.

Alright, Hal, Batman started. Green Lantern. If you can do everything I can, anything we can do. Then do this one thing.

Change colors.

This happened at least once a week. Hal was exceptionally easy to screw with.

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 4:50 PM

pop culture. legacy, originally uploaded by The Searcher.

Spring, 1984

Laird: "So, um. Dude, you're not worried about this, are you?"
Eastman: "No. wait, what? Worried about what?"
Laird: "What we're making. I mean, it's weird, right?"
Eastman: "Dude, it's our hook. Weird is good. What are you worried about?"
Laird "I dunno. It just seems like, this is the kind of thing that gets stuck in a kid's head, you know? What if we're screwing with some kid's cultural references.."
Eastman: "Dude, what?"
Laird: "No, see, dude what I mean is, what if this sticks with some kids, instead of something more normal, more.. important?"
Eastman: "Dude. You can't.. no seriously, you can't be worried about this. It's just for us, man. We're self-publishing a comic book. In our garage. It's just for our portfolio, dude. A couple thousand issues. Maybe three thousand, tops, depending how much newsprint we have. It's just to get our work out there. Example crap."
Laird: "It's not crap."
Eastman: "No dude, I know. I didn't mean crap. I just meant, this is just for us. No one's going to read it, it's just to get our foot in the door at Marvel or DC."
Laird: "Marvel."
Eastman: "Ok, yes, Marvel, fine. But that's all it is. It's not meant to stand on it's own. No one self publishes comic books. Doesn't happen. Trust me, six months from now, you and me, we're gonna be sitting in the middle of the Marvel Bullpen, thanks to this. And no one's ever gonna remember the Teenage Mutant Jiu Jitsu Turtles."
Laird: "Ninja."
Eastman: "What"?
Laird: "Dude, they're Ninja Turtles."
Eastman: "Whatever."

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 10:13 AM

Typhoid Steve, originally uploaded by The Searcher.

Based on an actual "Missed Connections" ad from Craigslist. Julia Wertz of the FartParty put the idea out there for a comic/cartoon book: illustrate an ad from the "I Saw U" in Craigslist.

Even if I don't get in the book, the idea is priceless. It's.. it's gold, gold I tell you. Those ads practically draw themselves!

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 12:47 AM

Tree. Rust. Faith. Hope., originally uploaded by The Searcher.

I saw this tree, and like its sickly branches and stubborn bilge-drunk roots, it grew on me. It dug in and grew, and like the rust and decay that surrounded it, somehow stayed alive in my cynical, rusty head.

I was struck, when I saw this tree, at that little sadness for losing that child's belief in magical things. And then happy again, at getting to see this small, impossible, magic thing. It's an impossible tree, trying to do an impossible thing. live.

I can only hope I find a way, through my own rust and decay, to do that even half as gracefully.

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 11:44 AM

Beginner's Bible Coloring Book!, originally uploaded by The Searcher.

Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Sure they did, son. The Bible says so. They didn't call them "dinosaurs" back then, but instead they were known as "leviathans" or "behemoths".
But, my science teacher says dinosaurs lived millions of years ago. Is that true?
Of course not, son.
Then how old are they?
Well, let's see. The Bible tells us [from Adam and Eve's family tree] that the Universe is only a few thousand years old. So dinosaurs had to have lived within the past few thousand years. That's simple logic, son.
Oh. So that means they were on Noah's Ark?
Absolutely! The Bible says two of every animal were brought [by God] to the ark. Dinosaurs were animals. So, using your logic again son, dinosaurs had to be on the ark.
Huh. So how come scientists say they're older than that? and died way before Jesus?
Well, son, they just make that up. Dinosaur bones don't have labels on them to tell how old they are. In fact, there is no proof whatsoever that the world and its fossil layers are millions of years old. No scientist saw dinosaurs die-
Dad!
No I'm serious. Scientists only find the bones in the here and now, and because many of them are evolutionists, they try to fit the story of the dinosaurs into their view.
That's sad. But I thought scientists were smart?
Sure, but they don't know everything. So they have to make stuff up to fit their beliefs. While you and I, we have the facts, straight from the Bible.
I don't want to be a scientist!
Ha! That's ok, son. It's better to be right, than smart. C'mon, wanna learn how to flip burgers like your Dad?
Yeah!

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 5:36 PM

folds. and a rose, originally uploaded by The Searcher.

Desperate drawing weekend. All my inspiration is wrapped up in work right now, don't seem to have any juice for creation come the weekend. So when I saw this image, I got all calm. Those folds! all that organic movement and roiling and energy. It was perfect, something I could just turn the brain off and wander around in. I wasn't even going to draw her, but the thing needed some balance. Then I discovered Rose's hair. That was as fun as the blanket, more so even, since I couldn't see her hair in the image, so I could just run with some improvisation.

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 6:27 PM

Campaign Posters I'd Like To See, originally uploaded by The Searcher.

Continuing my well known streak of subtlety.

god I love this one.

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 11:58 PM

birthdays. and sunsets. and ghosts., originally uploaded by The Searcher.

The crawl was the hardest. His claustrophobia probably came from it, from that day. He had to crawl in from under the bed, through the rear cab window. Had to squeeze in over the dead Father, so tightly he could feel how broken the body was. Then under the steering wheel and through the empty windshield, back onto desert floor. He found her there. she was pinned between the dirt and the hood. There was blood, but not a lot, and he knew why. The weight of the truck pressing down, crushing her, was keeping her from bleeding to death. But not by much. He stretched and squished as much as he could, to reach her. Pulse was weak, her hand cold. tiny hand, she couldn't have been older than ten. the truck groaned above him, shifted a bit. but he held on. She died after five more minutes. but still, he held on. Another ten, just to be sure she wouldn't be alone.

That day, the day she died, was his eighteenth birthday. Almost twenty years ago, but he can still find himself there, so clear he can taste the dust in the air. To his growing frustration, he can't capture it. Can't write it, can't draw it. This isn't it. It's closer than he's gone, but it's just a whisp, a glance. a ghost. not even close.

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 2:16 AM

2006. took a beating, originally uploaded by The Searcher.

He was sitting alone at the end of the bar. Groaned sometimes. I bought him a beer, he grunted. I asked what had happened to him, how he told me he was 2006. The year of 2006, personified. Then he told me his life sucked. I asked why, and he spat back at me, Are you fucking kidding me? Jack Palance died, he said. And that little dog, from Frasier. The Crocodile Hunter, too.

I tried to argue that people die every year. He snorted, told me it wasn't just that. It was the soul-crushing steadiness of it. Constant. Does anyone even remember, he asked, that there was an entire Israeli-Lebanese war this year? And the 3000th U.S. soldier killed in Iraq. I tried to argue, at least we didn't have another bad hurrican season, or another tsunami. Then he reminded me, more than a year after Katrina, thousands of people are still living in trailers. I offered that at least the Democrats won the mid-term elections. so what, he wheezed. A functionally retarded man still runs the show. The Vice President shot a man in the face. Every positive I could think of, he found ten negatives. The Patriot Act was extended. The Arctic is melting. fast. Coretta Scott King. Ed Bradley. Robert Altman. Then he asked me if anyone I knew had died. I had to admit, the Mothers of two friends died of cancer this year. One on Christmas Day. Yeah, see? he cackled. Darfur. Palestine. The KGB had their coming out party with a killing of a russian journalist critical of Putin, and then the killing by radiation poisoning of the ex-KGB agent investigating her death. "Extraordinary Rendition" was true. By the best count by people who risk their butts to count, 500,000 or so Iraqi civilians dead. Don Knotts.

I gave up. Listening to his insistent, flegmy voice, I decided that 2006 was a tough year. got its ass kicked. I bought him another round, and he cackled, and told me the one good thing that's happened to him. That kid, the day old 2007. It's all on him now. I'm done.

Good luck 2007.

# posted by Derek Chatwood @ 10:47 AM

keep friends close. keep close friends thousands of miles away., originally uploaded by The Searcher.

So frustrating. When did it start? The mass exodus after high school? It was a small town, I wanted out as soon as possibly possible. Of course the friends, the ones I really related to, were of like rambling minds. When I think of where everyone is now, I picture in my head one of those World War II animated maps, you know the one where they show the start position and the ominous red arrows branching out in all directions. My friends are taking Michigan, then Florida. Marching on Arizona. California. My arrow sends me to Washington.

It's not just old friends, new ones too. We're a mobile culture, we Americans. Not so tied to our land or community, we go where the work is, or the spouse, or the whim. I want to be closer to my close friends, not sitting here next to my vague acquaintances. I think if I were to win the lottery, I'd buy a small motorhome and just live on a perpetual cross country friend tour. Three months in L.A., four months in Phoenix, then on to Dunnellon, Chicago, Manhattan.

Plus some stops along the way for that huge ball of twine, and the Sasquatch museum.